Useful premarital counseling questions go beyond wedding plans: How will we handle conflict, money, shared work, family boundaries, intimacy, children, and changes in our future? The aim is to understand what each of you expects and identify decisions you still need to make.
The questions below are original, optional conversation starters. They are not a clinical assessment, a compatibility score, or a test you need to pass before getting married. Choose the topics that fit your relationship; you do not need to answer them all in one sitting.
Start with one conversation, not the whole list
Pick a topic you both want to discuss and a time when you have room to listen. You might write down your own answers first, then take turns explaining what you mean. Ask for a specific example when an answer is broad: “sharing responsibilities,” for instance, could mean very different things to each of you.
You can pause, skip a question, or leave an answer unfinished. These prompts should not be used to pressure a partner into disclosure or agreement. A conversation can end with a clearer question rather than a settled decision.
For another perspective on topics to explore, the Gottman Institute's premarital discussion resource includes romance, social life, work, and money. The prompts here are separate from its card deck or any other proprietary questionnaire.
Communication and conflict
Talk about what you each do during an ordinary disagreement, including how you want to return to a conversation that has stalled.
- When I bring up a concern, what helps you understand it, and what makes it harder to hear?
- If one of us needs a break from a disagreement, how would we let the other know and agree when to return?
- What would a meaningful apology include for each of us?
- Which topics do we keep avoiding, and what would we want help discussing?
Try naming a recent, manageable disagreement rather than deciding who is “the bad communicator.” For example, you might each describe what you expected when plans changed and what you wanted the other person to understand.
Money and financial expectations
Keep this conversation about your expectations and the information you need from each other. Account arrangements, debt obligations, and legal or tax questions may need separate advice from an appropriate professional.
- What financial commitments would each of us want to understand before marriage, including debt or support for relatives?
- How would we decide what goes toward shared expenses, personal spending, and savings?
- Which purchases would we want to discuss together before committing to them?
- If one person's income changed or one of us took unpaid time away from work, what would we need to revisit?
Instead of assuming that “being responsible with money” means the same thing to both of you, describe a decision: a holiday budget, helping a relative, or saving for a move. The question is how you would make that decision together, not which financial arrangement every couple should choose.
Household work and daily life
Include the work of noticing, planning, and remembering tasks as well as doing them. Use your actual schedules and preferences rather than assumed roles.
- Who will notice and arrange recurring tasks such as groceries, bills, cleaning, and appointments?
- What does a reasonably clean or organized home look like to each of us?
- How would we adjust responsibilities during a busy work period, illness, or a change in caregiving needs?
- How much time together and time alone would each of us like during an ordinary week?
A possible agreement might name who plans meals and who shops, with a date to revisit it.
Family boundaries, friendships, and values
Discuss the relationships and traditions you want to carry into marriage, along with decisions you want to make as a couple.
- How would we decide about holidays, visits, and requests for help from relatives?
- What relationship details would we be comfortable sharing with friends or family, and what would we want to keep private?
- Which faith practices, cultural traditions, or personal values would we each want room for?
- What expectations do we have about friendships, social plans, phone privacy, and social media?
Be specific about competing expectations. “We will see both families” may still leave questions about travel, cost, and whose plans take priority. You can name a tradition that matters to you without assuming your partner already understands why.
Affection, intimacy, and personal boundaries
Choose what you are comfortable discussing. These questions invite you to explain preferences; they do not create an obligation to agree to a particular kind or frequency of intimacy.
- What kinds of affection do we each enjoy, and how would we tell each other when we want closeness or space?
- How would we bring up different preferences or expectations about sexual intimacy without demanding an immediate answer?
- What boundaries do we want to discuss explicitly rather than assume marriage will settle?
- If a concern feels too private or difficult to discuss here, how would we decide whether to ask a professional about it?
You do not need to disclose every past experience to work through a list. You can say what you want understood now and what you are not ready to discuss.
Children, parenting, and caregiving
Start with whether you want children, whether you are unsure, and whether you already have parenting responsibilities. Do not assume there is a shared answer.
- What do we each currently want or feel unsure about when it comes to having children?
- If our hopes differ, what do we need to understand before making a commitment?
- If we parent, what expectations would we want to discuss about daily care, discipline, education, and values?
- How might responsibilities to existing children, aging relatives, or other people affect our plans?
Leave uncertainty visible. If one of you is undecided, writing “we will figure it out later” may hide the very conversation you came to have. Name what remains open and whether you want help exploring it.
Future plans and changing circumstances
Consider both the future you hope for and how you would make decisions if circumstances changed.
- What would we want to consider before accepting a job that changes our hours or requires a move?
- Which personal goals do we each want to keep pursuing after marriage?
- How would we discuss a change in health, work, faith, or family responsibilities that affects our plans?
- What would prompt us to revisit an agreement instead of assuming it still fits?
There is no need to predict every event. Choose one foreseeable decision and explain what each person would want taken into account.
Turn unanswered questions into a counseling agenda
After a conversation, you might each make three short notes: what you understood about your partner, what decision remains open, and what you would like help discussing. Keep your own perspective visible rather than presenting a joint answer that one of you does not share.
For example, you could bring: “We both want to help our families, but we have not agreed on how financial help would fit our shared budget.” That gives a counselor a concrete starting topic.
Facilitated counseling involves a therapist and your particular relationship concerns; completing a checklist on your own is not the same service. Alliance's couples therapy overview describes discussion of relationship history, concerns, goals, and premarital expectations. Ask your therapist how they approach those topics rather than expecting every question above to be part of a fixed program.
Before scheduling, ask about the therapist's approach to premarital work, how they handle privacy and information shared separately, the proposed appointment format, and the fee. Confirm any insurance questions with the office and your insurer; do not assume a premarital appointment is covered.
Ask about premarital counseling in Utah
Alliance Counseling Utah offers premarital counseling. Its couples service page lists care in Sandy and South Jordan, with online services across Utah when clinically appropriate. Ask about the current options for your situation.
If you would like support with these conversations, contact Alliance Counseling to ask about an appropriate first appointment. You can mention your preferred location or online format and one or two topics you want help discussing. You do not need finished answers before making an inquiry.